You see it all the time. Somebody reads a great new AR story and remarks, "What a great AR device in that tale. I'd like to get one to use on my boyfriend, girlfriend, neighbor, jerk at work, etc.). Well now you can. All these products are being gathered up and offered for sale (with descriptive pictures) in:

Xavier's AR Products Catalog

Age-Regression Gun

You've read about those fantastic hand-held electronic age-reducing devices like that invention of the Dynacorp Temporal Research Dept. in "Test Run" by Dark Oni, or the Meternott in "Don't Drink the Water" by Sumner. Now you can own one. Xavier has licensed technology to produce its own AR Gun in the shape of an ordinary hair dryer. This makes it easier to conceal and take through airport security, yet it still packs a wallop in turning your rivals, nasty spouses, or pushy girlfriends into confused children or squalling infants. And it's fun to use. Just ask the two middle-aged lady stockbrokers in the above photo. Comes in corded and cordless models. Price: $129.95.

Rejuvenation Cookies

Can't stop eating them! Nobody can resist our specially formulated shortbreads based on the recipe used in "Youth Cookies" by Flash (which you can read on capst's AR Shorts site ­ hint!), and offered in boxes that resemble popular cookie brands. A great way to reduce household and office moochers and drones to manageable size (as the former human resources manager in this photo can testify, as soon as she relearns how to talk). Also great for solving lover's quarrels, provided you remember which box is which. Price: $17.95 per 8-ounce serving.

Gift Certificates to Louder's Café

Who wouldn't want to take a loved one (or more specifically, a loathed one) to the world famous Louder's Café, named for the great AR author Al Louder and described in "Assignment at Louder's" by Jennifer Lorraine. Treat your guest to the Chef's Special Pizza (and send him/her back to high school), or the Chef's Special Chicken Fingers (and send him/her back to diapers). Certificates are available with or without the Chef's Special Formula (shown in above photo), just in case you want to freeze your guest at his/her new age, eliminating their getting big again and seeking revenge when you're old and feeble. And please be advised that Maurice, the matre'd/genie, will soon be back from his sabbatical in Baghdad and will again be enforcing the restaurant's dress code. Price: Dinner for two with one special meal: $100 without formula; $20,100 with formula. Does not include gratuities.

Auto-Suggestion Audio Tape

Some hypnosis tapes only make you think you're getting younger. But the Xavier Auto-Suggestion Tape actually produces a desired physical change by impacting the portion of the brain closest to the pituitary gland! Audio tape comes already installed in its own Walkman, so the user thinks he/she is listening to a favorite music tape. Great for altering temporarily or permanently someone who could adversely affect your future life (as did the fourth grade class at Western Academy, who thanks to the tape, are relieved that Ms. Stenson (left in photo) won't be giving them the big mathematics exam on Monday). Various tapes available to affect change to 13, 9, 5, 3 and 1-years old. Price of each tape: $49.95. Price of reversal tape: $1,049.95 (just tell the rejuvenated person about this catalog).

More products will be added to Xavier's Catalog as soon as capst is provided with text and appropriate catalog photos.


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