Letter Imperfect

By ARthur

To Cayman Trading Co.:
I am disappointed in your BigBust Breast Enlargement formula. You advertised it in the National Tattler as "guaranteed to increase your bust by two cup sizes in one week. Just buy the larger size brassiere and watch the cups fill." I ordered your formula, but what you said didn't happen. Instead of me going from 34B to 38D, my breasts shrunk to AAA cup before going fully flat. In fact, I seem to be losing height and age. Last night, I was so shocked by my appearance in the mirror, I told my husband, "I look like I belong in high school;" and he replied, "More like junior high." I am totally dissatisfied and demand that you help restore me back to normal!
Yours truly, Viola Bobka.

Dear Viola:
We find your claims totally without merit. For the formula to work as you claim would require substitution the przen root with mlodosc root, but our supplier in Kuala Lampur assures us that their quality control eliminates such a possibility. And the speed at which you claim the change is occurring could only be due to your own error. Are you aware that in the instructions calling to put 1-c. of the formula in a glass of water refers to the Kuala Lampur measurement of a copula (equal to about a teaspoon) as opposed to one-cup English measure? Clearly, this cannot be blamed on our BigBust Breast Enlargement formula. But since you are dissatisfied, we offer to refund your $59.95 payment, to be payable in store credit toward the purchase of any of our other wonderful products.
Sincerely, Kretin Allbum, company attorney.

Dear Mr. Allbum:
I am shocked at your dismissal of my earlier complaint. Enclosed is a photo of me wearing the larger brassiere you said you BigBust Breast Enlargement formula would enable me to overfill to capacity one week after beginning taking the formula. Does this look like the desired result? Hardly! As you can see, I have stabilized at about age 18 months. And since then, my abilities have been in decline. I am slowly losing my abilities to walk, talk and do other things normal of an adult woman, or even a little girl. Do you realize how hard it is just to write this letter, having to climb up on the chair like it was a mountain, try to manipulate the keyboard with my now short and pudgy arms, and look up at the computer screen like I was in the front row of a movie theater? Frankly, I feel like suing you. In addition to your product causing me physical decline, I've lost the companionship of my husband. He's moved me into a crib in another room, and has brought a girlfriend into our house. And that woman seems to get way too much fun from humiliating me and rubbing it into my nose in that she is grown and I'm now in diapers! Will you do something to rectify this problem before I fully lose all my adult abilities? Or must I bring the lawyers into this?
Yours in disgust, Viola Bobka.

Dear Baby Bobka:
I am sorry you feel you need to resort to the courts in this matter. The courts are already clogged with frivolous lawsuits. I should remind you that under the laws of the country where Cayman Trading Co. is based, we are held totally blameless for mistakes by foreign suppliers or user misuse. Enclosed are coupons equivalent to $59.95 as promised in my earlier correspondence. Might I suggest you use them on the new powdered baby formula made by our supplier in Kuala Lampur, and just added to our product offerings!
Sincerely, Kretin Allbum, company attorney.

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