To Cayman Trading Co.:
I am disappointed in your BigBust Breast Enlargement formula.
You advertised it in the National Tattler as "guaranteed
to increase your bust by two cup sizes in one week. Just buy the
larger size brassiere and watch the cups fill." I ordered
your formula, but what you said didn't happen. Instead of me going
from 34B to 38D, my breasts shrunk to AAA cup before going fully
flat. In fact, I seem to be losing height and age. Last night,
I was so shocked by my appearance in the mirror, I told my husband,
"I look like I belong in high school;" and he replied,
"More like junior high." I am totally dissatisfied and
demand that you help restore me back to normal!
Yours truly, Viola Bobka.
Dear Viola:
We find your claims totally without merit. For the formula to
work as you claim would require substitution the przen root with
mlodosc root, but our supplier in Kuala Lampur assures us that
their quality control eliminates such a possibility. And the speed
at which you claim the change is occurring could only be due to
your own error. Are you aware that in the instructions calling
to put 1-c. of the formula in a glass of water refers to the Kuala
Lampur measurement of a copula (equal to about a teaspoon) as
opposed to one-cup English measure? Clearly, this cannot be blamed
on our BigBust Breast Enlargement formula. But since you are
dissatisfied,
we offer to refund your $59.95 payment, to be payable in store
credit toward the purchase of any of our other wonderful products.
Sincerely, Kretin Allbum, company attorney.
Dear Mr. Allbum:
I am shocked at your dismissal of my earlier complaint. Enclosed
is a photo of me wearing the larger brassiere you said you BigBust
Breast Enlargement formula would enable me to overfill to capacity
one week after beginning taking the formula. Does this look like
the desired result? Hardly! As you can see, I have stabilized
at about age 18 months. And since then, my abilities have been
in decline. I am slowly losing my abilities to walk, talk and
do other things normal of an adult woman, or even a little girl.
Do you realize how hard it is just to write this letter, having
to climb up on the chair like it was a mountain, try to manipulate
the keyboard with my now short and pudgy arms, and look up at
the computer screen like I was in the front row of a movie theater?
Frankly, I feel like suing you. In addition to your product causing
me physical decline, I've lost the companionship of my husband.
He's moved me into a crib in another room, and has brought a girlfriend
into our house. And that woman seems to get way too much fun from
humiliating me and rubbing it into my nose in that she is grown
and I'm now in diapers! Will you do something to rectify this
problem before I fully lose all my adult abilities? Or must I
bring the lawyers into this?
Yours in disgust, Viola Bobka.
Dear Baby Bobka:
I am sorry you feel you need to resort to the courts in this matter.
The courts are already clogged with frivolous lawsuits. I should
remind you that under the laws of the country where Cayman Trading
Co. is based, we are held totally blameless for mistakes by foreign
suppliers or user misuse. Enclosed are coupons equivalent to $59.95
as promised in my earlier correspondence. Might I suggest you
use them on the new powdered baby formula made by our supplier
in Kuala Lampur, and just added to our product offerings!
Sincerely, Kretin Allbum, company attorney.