Monologue by Ray Ruffo (was age 42, now age 2), recorded May 31, 2001:

"Corporate arrogance! That's what it is! When I was hired as a delivery truck driver by Moonglow Cola, I was told they demanded complete loyalty to their product from employees, and that if we weren't they had ways to punish us. But I wasn't aware how far they'd go to enforce that requirement. But I soon found out after drinking a Coca Cola.

"No sooner did I finish the Coke, I shrank down into a baby boy! How'd that happen? When I was given the pre-employment physical, what I thought was a C.A.T. scan was really a device that subtly altered my molecular structure. Now every time a drink a Coke, I regress into a 2-year-old for 48 hours. My problem is that I've liked Coke all my life; too much to give it up now. At present, because of all the Cokes I've guzzled, I've been a baby for the past 34 days, and will remain one for another 16 days if I stop drinking Coke now. But I like Coke, and won't.

"My family has adapted well to this situation. My wife purchased me a kids' wardrobe; and even better, has stopped pestering me about having another child. My three younger kids say I'm more fun now, and include me in all their play. Only my 15-year-old daughter is grumpy, but I think that's because she's been assigned diaper duty.

"A co-worker says I'm lucky I'm crazy about Coke, and not Dr. Pepper. When I asked what Dr. Pepper would do to me in my condition, he turned pale and blubbered, 'You don't even want to go there!'"


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