Monologue by Carmen LaWine (was age 40, now age 1), recorded December 14, 2001:

"The older you get, the more trouble you have keeping off the weight. The basic advice is to simply eat less. But I couldn't bring myself to do that for very long. I mean, I really enjoy the sensory aspects of food, the smells, tastes and such. 'I can't diet,' I'd whine to my kid sister Sofia. 'Stop acting like a big baby and do something about your weight, or it'll ruin your health. And then I'd be stuck taking care of you, and I don't relish having a 350 lb. immovable object on my hands,' Sofia would grump.

"I try some of the advertised diet programs, but they required eating special bland dinners of limited portions. And those appetite suppressants didn't do much for me either. In fact, a gained another 50 lb. during this period.

"Then I found on the Internet news of the ARvis Reducing Elixir. 'Takes you back to your original weight,' it said. And nothing about cutting back on favorite foods. That was for me. I ordered it, and on receiving it, drank the bottle down.

"Within minutes, I felt extreme pain. I called for Sofia, who came running. 'My health...' I started. But I notice Sofia apparently growing taller. And she had this very strange look on her face. But I then noticed my clothing beginning to get bulky. My head sank into my blouse. I flailed my hands, trying to fight myself to daylight from the cotton and synthetic fiber mountain I now found myself in. 'Heeeeelp meeee!' I yelled. Huge hands sprang into my cloth prison and pulled me to daylight.

"I found myself held high off the floor by Sofia, who looked even more baffled at first. 'Put me down,' I screamed, only to notice the distance from the floor. 'Don't drop me,' I added in terror. Sofia then grinned broadly. 'I see you finally found a way to lose that excess weight,' she said. Subsequently, she verified that I was now only 19 inches tall, and weighed only 8 lb. 10 oz., my birth weight nearly 40 years ago. Well, the ARvis Reducing Elixir promised to take me back to my original weight. I just didn't expect that it also would take me back to a newborn baby!

"That all happened a year ago. Sofia did get stuck taking care of me, but she seems to enjoy it. I no longer have to worry about dieting to lose weight. Instead, Sofia has me on a diet that will ensure my growth back into a healthy adult, although I seem to be growing no quicker than a normal child. But that diet! I used to enjoy eating, but the stuff Sofia serves me? Where are the yummy smells? The exquisite tastes? Yuck! Come on, Sofia, can't you add some salt and a few spices to this stuff? Can't you get jarred foods that taste like baked rigatoni, chocolate fudge ice cream..."


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