Lurkers often ask where AR writers find the means to age regress people in our stories. We get a lot of help from the business underground. And so we know what works (and what doesn't), we rely on the product testing laboratories of ConsumARs Reports Magazine, who from time to time issue (with appropriate pix) the following:
New AR Products Report
The Palm Grodown Wireless Computer
Toshrinkya Electronics has introduced a device that puts hated business rivals out of business while making it look like you're giving them a gift. What looks like a hand-held computer is really a reception box to which you can send him signals to alter his appearance at the most embarrassing moments. Researcher Gloria Jammerliche was absolutely aglow about the Palm Grodown after secret tests on her business tycoon ex-husband Ralph. "It has eight age settings (Normal, young adult, college age, teen, junior high, child, toddler and infant) and a built-in clothes morph (with a choice of cloth or disposable on the last two settings). And you can even morph that cappuccino cup he carts everywhere," Gloria grinned. "I had so much fun, I wore down the batteries. But I'm in no hurry to replace them. After all, his trophy wife has to contend with the 3 a.m. feedings and diaper changes," she added. Ralph's trophy wife comments: "I keep asking for his Swiss bank account numbers, but all he replies is 'Tiddy?'"
Anti-Steroids
The Pharmaceuticals Division of Darlington Industries has devised the perfect product for putting arrogant (and often nasty) bodybuilders in their place. Realizing that nearly all take steroids to bulk up, Darlington has devised an identical looking product that instead bulks them down. According to researcher Annette Schwarzperucke, tests secretly conducted on her husband Arnold (right in photo) produced amazing results. "Arnold is now not only nicer and cuter, but eats less. And the family budget now has a surplus, due to reduced spending on Arnold's bodybuilding aids, and that he also can wear the hand-me-downs from our infant son Tommy (left)," she explained. Arnold's comment on the tests: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Noxageoff Shaving Cream
Mennentoboys Toiletries has introduced its first aerosol shaving soap designed to bring workaholic fathers closer to their children. Secret tests by our researcher Rachel Rasierklein on her husband Ron found that the extreme skin youtheners embedded in the foam work quickly, producing results after only a single application. "Ronny is such a cute little shaver now," Rachel reports. "Where he used to go days without even seeing the children, he now spends all his time with them. He even shares the bed with our youngest child (and now his older brother) Brendan. Oh, they spoof and tease him constantly, but I can see he's enjoying every minute of his new relationship with his children." Ron's comment: "Sttttoooppp it! And make Tammy give me back my blankie." Marketing tip: Noxageoff also makes a great substitute for whip cream in pies thrown at nasty bosses and those glad-handing politicians who will be bothering us this fall.
The Big Little Gulp Soda
Deceptively devious, this refreshing beverage introduced by
7-11-mo. Stores is the perfect solution for bratty older siblings,
restrictive parents, and even maiden aunts who want to kiss you
in public. Researcher Caprice Verabscheuen praised the Big Little
Gulp Soda after secret tests on her snooty lawyer sister Sally.
"A patented chemical on the side of the cup reacts with any
cold carbonated beverage to make it so tasty the drinker cannot
put it down, and converts the drink to convert the drinker,"
Caprice says. "After just one 36 oz. cup, my sister Sally
no longer belittles me at family functions because she earns more,
dresses better and resides in a better home than me. It's hard
for her to pull rank now that she lives with me and wears Pampers."
Sally's comment: "Me dwink too much. You change me?"