The race to represent the town of Ordway in the state House of Representatives was between Lindsey and Joanne, and no two candidates could be more different. Each was on the opposite end of the political spectrum, which became apparent in their debates before community organizations. These debates started with discussions of issues, but soon descended into vicious acrimony, during which Lindsey and Joanne would make personal attacks on each other that stopped short of accusing the other of liking to kick kitty cats. It was obvious the two candidates hated each other for their political beliefs.

And polls found the public equally divided, with each candidates claiming 48 percent of support, with 4 percent of those surveyed undecided. Which was why Lindsey agreed to me with a chubby little fellow who offered a way for her to pull ahead and win the election.

"My name is Mr. Pfaff, and as I see it, the only way you'll win this election is if Joanne drops out of the race. And I can help you arrange it," the strange man said. Lindsey was all ears. "This bottle contains a concentrated youth elixir. Put these few drops into a caffeinated beverage, and the person drinking it will quickly regress into a small child. And as they say, you can't send a girl to do a woman's job," Pfaff added. Lindsey wanted the elixir, and Pfaff offered to sell. Just $5,000, cash. Lindsey provided it out of her campaign's petty cash drawer.

But how to slip the elixir to Joanne? The opportunity surfaced within minutes. Lindsey received a telephone call from Joanne, inviting her to Joanne's home for coffee, so the two could reach some sort of agreement to put the campaign back on the high road. And only the two of them would attend. "Perfect!" thought Lindsey.

So that afternoon, Lindsey sat in Joanne's sun porch as Joanne carried in a tray containing a silver coffee pot and two cups of coffee already poured. Lindsey held her cell phone hidden under the table, and pressed a quick dial pad for Joanne's phone. As Joanne turned to answer her phone, Lindsey quickly added Pfaff's elixir to Joanne's cup. "Nobody there," Joanne said as she returned to the table. The two candidates sipped from their cups, and then sat grinning at each other.

Lindsey was elated as she noticed Joanne begin to shrink; getting smaller and younger to the point that her clothing was growing loose on her body. Joanne didn't notice at first, but her smile was getting broader. It was then Lindsey noticed that her clothes had likewise become baggy. She too was growing younger. She reacted by screaming. But as the smiling Joanne reached out to her rejuvenating rival, her blouse rolled off a shoulder, making it clear she was in the same boat. "Mr. Pfaff?" Joanne asked. "Pfaff? Yes," Lindsey replied. And the two were at it again, making verbal assaults at each other (which within minutes rose a full octave in pitch) until each, now in full panic, decided to flee from the other; Lindsey through the front door, Joanne through the back.

Within a week, the front-page story in the Ordway Press-Times & Herald was that Lindsey and Joanne, not having made a single scheduled campaign appearance in days, were presumed missing. Leaders of both parties were looking for replacement candidates. But had readers turned to the Police Blotter column on page 27, they would have read two separate items. One was of a 6-year-old girl found wandering in the Bellacoe Woods south of town, wearing only an adult blouse. The other, separated by a few other items, was about another little girl caught putting on girl's clothing taken off a backyard clothesline. Both items noted that the girls, absent a locatable relative, were taken to the Ordway Children's Home.

Not reported was that on the first evening, dressed in nightshirts donated by a local charity, the girls were escorted into a bedroom in the Home and introduced as each other's roommate. "Joanne?" one girl said as a shocked look formed on her face. "Lindsey!!" the other said in recognition. And the two yelled invective at each other until the matron running the facility broke them up and warned them to stop the name-calling. Due to shortage of space, they would have be nice and accept the other ­ or else!

Which all goes to prove that often, politics makes for... (Oh, having already read this story's title, you know where this is going. So I won't belabor the point)!


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