Rant by Wilbur Sultana (was age 24, now 4 months), recorded January 3, 2001:

"It now seems like ages, but just one week ago today, I was a truck driver between assignments bunking with my girlfriend Rose. She caught me at the refrigerator drinking orange juice directly from the bottle. 'That's unsanitary. Stop it,' Rose scolded. 'I'm a man. This is my birthright,' I replied. She then registered distress at two empty bottles I had left in the refrigerator.

"Rose asked, 'Did you drink these?' Between sips of juice, I replied, 'You mean the one that tasted like whiskey sour mix and the other like Italian soda? Yes!' One could see Rose's blood pressure rising. 'Those were the two active ingredients for an anti-aging elixir I swiped from the lab where I work. Industrial spies were going to pay me $100,000 for them,' Rose said, gritting her teeth.

"When nothing happened immediately, I thought the ingredients were fake. But after a rather painful night, I sat in the morning's glow staring as fat little hands with stubby fingers that would no longer wrap all the way around a truck's steering wheel. I realized just how thorough the ingredients changed me when Rose, who could barely get her arms around my waist, easily lifted me off the bed, and the floor looked miles away. She immediately put me in a diaper and a flannel sleeper.

"Rose now tells me to stop whining, as I now get to drink all my meals directly from bottles. I just wish that when she wiggles the nipple across my lips she'd stop saying, 'Here's your birthright!'"


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