Confession by Jane Gurgel (was age 38, now age 9), recorded September 13, 2000:

"Okay, I finally admit it. I suffer from kleptomania, and I'll get psychiatric help. Now please rescind the punishment store security imposed on me earlier today.

"You want me to describe what I did? Okay! I was walking through the clothing department when I suddenly had this urge to grab and pocket this poly-bagged item. The plastic material was reflecting your overhead lights in such a way, I couldn't resist. I then headed for the exit, only to be nabbed by two of your security people and taken to their office where I was sat in a chair and interrogated.

"They asked me about the package. I said it was my property. 'You mean you wear this clothing item?' one of the security people asked. 'Yes, and it's a perfect fit for me,' I said. They then threw the package down on the table. It was a girl's size 8 undies set. 'Still claim you wear these?' the interrogator asked. I hesitated. Then the light over my head got brighter. I couldn't see anything for a while. When it dimmed, I sat shorter in the chair amid my now baggy clothing. 'Gilbert and Sullivan wrote a song about making the punishment fir the crime. But here at Tattenger's, we like to punish by making you fit. Since you didn't look like you'd fit in these undies we changed your size. Now that you're other clothes don't fit, you better put these on,' the interrogator grinned, handing me the package.

"As you can see, I'm now a perfect girl's size 8. I forgot how pretty I was as a child. I wouldn't mind staying this age, except that the security people also announced that starting tomorrow I'd be enrolled in the fourth grade at Washington Elementary. You can't do that to me. My college rival, from whom I stole several boyfriends, is the principal there, and I don't want to be put under her control. She may still want to get even, and... well, I don't want to find out. You couldn't grow me back and send me to prison? No? You can't resist a cute wittle girl? What if I put on my pouty face? Pwease...?"

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