Tabloid Stuff

By ARthur

John Stinger of ABS-TV News was a stickler for accuracy and reality. That is why his TV Show "Myths Demystified" was such a hit with the folks who cannot find dates or bowling leagues on Saturday night. His record at debunking urban legends was total. In recent weeks, he showed that things like Yetis, faeries, and flying saucers were bogus. He proved that nobody ever invented a fizz tablet that created gasoline from water. And now he was in Tempe, Arizona, to puncture claims that some drifter, working from a dream, built a device that would make the old young again, called the Rejuvetron.

Stinger arrived at the barn-size building that looked like a tiny sports arena. Standing before his cameraperson Pam, Stinger related the history of the Rejuvetron, and then held the microphone up to descendants of the drifter, demanding that they prove claims that the device worked. These people first hemmed and hawed, then went mute. Smiling, Stinger entered the building and stood at the center point of the inside floor.

"Proof once more that the Rejuvetron is just a myth created by a crafty con man to bilk the unsuspecting," Stinger grinned as Pam caught it all on videotape. But as Pam backed into the wall, a stiff object stuck into her shoulder blades. "Just a minute, John. We'll do another take," Pam said as she turned around and pushed downward the cobweb-encrusted bit of metal that caused her pain.

Suddenly, a huge mechanical noise was heard as lights began to flicker and the roof of the device began to rotate. Hundreds of tiny static electricity charges rained down on the center of the structure and Stinger. And to Pam's and the camera's amazement, Stinger began to shrink. The wrinkles left his face. His mustache fell out. And he began to sink into his clothing, inch by incredible inch. Stinger's clothing began to billow outward as he got shorter and shorter, and slowly lost his adult facial features. Suddenly realizing, what had happened, Pam turned around and yanked upward what she now knew to be a metal lever. The noise and static charges stopped immediately. "Good grief!" Pam said as she stared in Stinger's direction.

The next afternoon, Pam received a cable from New York. It read: "Please explain these charges on your expense account for disposable diapers, soy formula, baby bottles, baby wipes, and a size 6M shirt. You better have a good reason, or they will be disallowed!"

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