Chapter 13: Sometimes, ladies, no matter what you do, that handsome hunk of man you want just won't pay you the attention you desire. He'll ignore your flirting, your stylish clothing, your shimmering hair, your attractive makeup, your carefree attitude. Worse, he may tell you to get lost, or hurl you an insult. But don't despair. You can still pick up that man and take him home with you.

On a recent visit to the beach, I saw a real studly fellow with rippling muscles, an athletic haircut, all stuffed into a pair of swim trunks. I tried hard to catch his eye, but he only laughed and called me "butt ugly." At times like these, ladies, use the last resort. Utter these magic words coined nearly a century ago by the great female mystic Madame Ophelia: "Agonga arigotta cataconga ittee weenee shlunk!" And instantaneously, that impolite man will be cut down to size ­ and age.

As you can see, the now younger man is much easier to pick up. Admittedly, this is not a perfect solution. Instead of taking him home for an evening, you'll have to keep him longer; say 18 years. But then you'll get to raise him back into the kind of guy who won't react negatively when a lady who is not quite a perfect specimen bats her eyelashes at him in hopes of landing a date. And then there is the sheer fun of watching the de-aged man's reaction when you open that first box of Huggies."



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