Report by Lolita Grebbs (age 27), recorded February 17, 2001:

"My dissertation paper, 'The Mind of Women Obsessed with Youth and Beauty,' earned me my Ph.D. in Psychology, and I owe it all to my former college roommate Tiffany. I could never forget Tiffany, who spent more time primping, applying makeup, and stuffing herself into revealing clothing than studying. And who saw it as her duty to steal the boyfriends of plain-looking gals like me, and to remind us that we were inferior to her beauty. 'I'll always look younger, more beautiful and sexier than you,' she always told me.

"I didn't want to see Tiffany again ­ ever! But I needed a test subject (a guinea pig, actually) to find out how far a vain beauty would go to retain her claim as the most beautiful sweet young thing in the room.

"Tiffany met me in my apartment, where I asked if she was still as beautiful and sexy as she was in college. As proof, she stripped to her leopard-print bra and panties. After scanning her, I told her that the years since our days as roomies had taken a toll. She wasn't as young and sexy as she once was. Then I produced a bottle I said was a magic liquid that would render me younger and sexier than she was. After consuming it, I would pursue her current boyfriend and make her feel like I did in college, when she vamped away my dates. I then left the bottle on the table and went to my bedroom, where I said I would put on a brief bikini before ingesting the liquid. I then waited 30 minutes before returning.

"As I expected, the bottle was empty. Tiffany consumed it to retain her vain bragging rights. But all I saw on the floor was her bra. Scouring the room, I found cowering behind the sofa a whimpering baby girl still wearing Tiffany's now reduced leopard-print panties.

"Normally, in such psychological tests, the magic fluid would be fake. But for Tiffany, I got the real thing. Had she not been so panicked, she could have read the label's 'Take only one teaspoon' instruction. Still, she got as promised. She was younger and very beautiful ­ for a baby girl.

"Indeed, at commencement ceremonies, everyone complimented Tiffany on how beautiful she was. I brought her along so as to not interrupt her breastfeeding schedule. Its part of her reeducation ­ learning that women's breasts can be put to better use than as a mere sexual accessory to attract men."

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