Patrolman Vernon Tyler was enjoying his Krispy Crème doughnut when a large sedan roared by that didn't have a visible driver. "Holy smokes," Vernon yelled, as he revved up his squad car and gave chase. The car pulled over at Vernon's direction, but Vernon was uttering surprised by what he saw behind the wheel.
"You're a baby," Vernon sputtered. "Of course I am," said the driver. "You can call me Doug. But don't get your shorts in a knot. I'll have you know that this is the second time I was pulled over today. The first was a few hours ago in a town called Aphid," the baby added. "I've heard of that place," Vernon replied.
"It's no ordinary place," the baby continued. "When you're arrested, you go right before the justice of the peace, and he's a really odd duck. When he fines you, he doesn't take your money; he takes your aging.
"No sooner was I before the judge, when he said I was arrested for speeding," the baby related. "I protested that I couldn't have been speeding as I was doing 20 mph at the time. But the judge said the Aphid speed limit was 18 mph. As punishment, the judge waved his hand and took 10 years off my body. I was a lad of 16 again.
"Then the Aphid judge accused me of disrespecting the arresting officer," the baby grumbled. "I noted that I was irate because the officer seized my two ham sandwiches and quickly ate them without asking. But the judge noted that officers of the law need their nourishment to carry out their duties, so by not letting him eat, I was impeding enforcement of the law. He waved he hand again and I was a boy of 10.
"And then the Aphid judge accused me of impeding the officer's search of my vehicle," the baby sighed. "I said that under the law, my vehicle couldn't be searched without a warrant. But the judge added that the officer already had his permission to search anything, and besides, the search uncovered a dirty magazine. He held up the copy of Time with the bikinied woman from 'Survivor' on the cover. I protested that the picture didn't come remotely close to meeting legal criteria for smut, but the judge he'd be the judge of that. He waved his hand again and I was a little tot of 5.
"So I blew up, accusing the judge of running a dishonest courthouse, and that I'd be back with my lawyer to put his crooked reign to an end," the baby smirked. "But the judge, after declaring me in contempt of court, waved his hand one last time and I became a baby of 2, with all my clothes dropping off, except for this diaper, which appeared out of nowhere. So now I'm heading to civilization to contact my attorney."
"Interesting, but I don't believe it. I afraid I'll have to ticket you for being an underage driver," Vernon said. "But I'm really 26. You can check my license. Since I have no pockets, I have it tucked into the rear of my diaper," the baby said. "I'll take you're word for it," Vernon said.
But Vernon was behind on his ticket quota. He scanned the inside of the vehicle and saw next to where the baby was sitting a near empty baby bottle. He wrote a ticket and handed it to the youthful driver. It read: "Driving under the influence of Similac. Fine $75." After reading it, the baby began to cry.