Who ever heard of a genie named Elwood. Or who resembled actor Dan Ackroyd and wore mirrored sunglasses. But that was my fate.
For the record, I was Justine Bates, although I'm not sure what my identity is now. My problems began yesterday at a flea market where I spied a brass oil lamp of the kind seen in Arabian Nights tales. I asked the price. "$18," the owner said. I bid $14 and he said, "Sold!"
Sneaking off where I couldn't be seen, I rubbed the lamp and Elwood appeared. He offered me the standard three wishes, but I said I'd have to give them some thought. "When you decide on each wish, don't rub the lamp," Elwood said. "That only takes the shiny protective coating off. Instead, just think of my face and make your wish, and I will grant it immediately as best I can." I should have suspected something then.
Earlier today, I visited the neighborhood swimming pool. As I heard John would be there, I wore my briefest new bikini to attract his attention, and my eye goggles for when I practice my high dives into the pool. When I arrived, I saw John, but also Gloria, my rival for John's affections. And the two were grinning in each other's direction. To get John's attention, I created a scene as I climbed to the highest diving board and made a perfect triple twist into the pool.
But when I bobbed to the surface, I made a shocking discovery. My bikini top had been jarred off when I hit the water. Not wanting to embarrass myself in front of John, I pictured Elwood's face and wished that he would fix things so I could leave the pool without attracting attention. After climbing out, I walked along, my goggles over my arm, and nobody was paying me much attention. But then I looked down and found I was still missing my bikini top. And my 36C breasts also were missing. Looking up, I noticed that I was now shorter than almost anyone at the pool. Elwood had turned me into a 4-year-old girl. And a girl of that age walking topless won't attract attention.
Angry, I pictured Elwood's face and wished that I'd be something other than a girl walking around in only a bikini bottom. As I continued to walk, my rear began to itch, and everyone around me seemed to be growing taller. I then discovered that I was now a 2-year-old girl wearing a swim diaper; the kind with the big bulge in the back. And then I looked in the direction of John and Gloria and saw them intently eyeballing each other. I had to nip that in the bud. I once more pictured Elwood's face and wished that I would become a significant presence in John's life.
I began to walk in John and Gloria's direction. But the walking became strained. Worse, the people around me were again growing taller andI felt a breeze on my fanny. Nearing Gloria, my legs couldn't hold me any longer. I fell to the ground and began to cry uncontrollably. "Poor baby," Gloria said as she picked me up and kissed my face. "And you lost your diaper," she added. She opened what I earlier thought was a cooler but was really a diaper bag. In short order, I was powdered and diapered and I couldn't do a thing about it. Worse, Gloria pulled out a baby bottle and plugged the nipple into my kisser. And I sucked on it!
As I gulped down the formula, John walked up to Gloria. "Cute baby! How old is she?" John asked. "She's 6-months old," Gloria replied. "I always thought you were both nice and lovely, but seeing you have a cute daughter, and are obviously a very diligent and caring mother, I cannot hold back any more. Will you marry me?" John said. "Of course," Gloria said. "I know you'll make my baby the best father."
So here I am in a baby basket secured to the rear seat of
Gloria's
Ford. She and John are going to select a ring this evening. As
for me, Elwood's face just appeared before me and announced, "You
have used up your three wishes. I hope you got what you wanted.
And thank you for using our service." My reply as he vanished
came out babbling so upsetting to Gloria that she stuffed a pacifier
in my mouth. And I am angry. I am now wishing for a fourth wish,
but I don't think Elwood would be thrilled to fulfill it.