They say hindsight is 20/20. Mine definitely is. I should have been wary after I found that Arabian oil lamp in the trash at the swimming pool. Strange things had already occurred at the pool that day, with the woman who lost her bikini top vanishing and all. But I took the lamp home anyway.
For the record, I was Dorothy Granger, and a real fan of animated cartoons. So when I rubbed the lamp and that strange genie in mirrored sunglasses appeared, I knew what I wanted. "I am Elwood, and I grant you three wishes," the genie said. "Great! First, I'd like to be a girl again. And I'd like to live in the world of animated cartoons," I said. "Granted! And when you want to use your third wish, just think of my face, and I will make it so as best I can," Elwood said.
Immediately, I found myself not only an 8-year-old girl, but I was an animated caricature of myself in a pen and paint world. I decided to rechristen myself Li'l Dottie and become one of those mischievously funny children who populate cartoons.
After scouting my extended cartoon family, I devised some routines. In helping my cartoon mom make punch for party guests, I innocently added ink and alum. It was funny when the guests' mouths turned blue, followed by their mouths sticking shut and their heads shrinking. I then corrected the cake mom baked but I caused to fall but sticking the natural gas hose in the cake to reinflate it. Mom called it her Strawberry Surprise Cake, and was everyone surprised after she lit the candles on it and it exploded, spewing icing on everyone. My cartoon daddy sent me to my room as punishment, but I got even by rigging a spring on his favorite chair to propel him into the air and on top of a bear trap all cartoon families keep in their closets.
My mom wasn't too happy with the last prank. She threw me over her legs and gave me a good spanking and it really hurt. My mom explained that spanking didn't hurt in the classic 'toons, but do in the stuff being animated today. Not wishing to suffer this abuse, I pictured Elwood's face and wished to be somewhere else.
I next found myself, more crudely drawn, in a black-and-white cartoon world. I would remain Li'l Dottie, cute but mischievous girl. I spied Farmer Al Falfa from the 'toons of the 1930s. I moved a mule behind his chair, then put on a scary mask and surprised the mule, which reacted by kicking Falfa into the next county.
A cartoon woman grabbed me and dropped me into a cartoon punishment machine. Mechanical arms gave me a massive paddling and used a scrub brush to foamingly wash my mouth out with soap. A heavy weight dropped from the roof, squishing me shorter and making my clothes fit baggily. Other mechanical arms pulled out my cheeks to give a chubby baby-faced look while clippers shaved off all my hair. Another device plunked down on my diminished body and stripped away my clothing. Now resembling a naked baby, I was dressed only in an infant's gown and ejected from the machine on a slide.
I looked up at the cartoon woman. I was now only one-third her size. In retaliation for turning me into a cartoon baby, I kicked her shin. She picked me up and spanked my bare bottom and it hurt. I complained that spankings (along with everything else that happened to me in that machine) weren't supposed to hurt in classic 'toons, but the woman said they were just trying to keep up with the times. At that point, Elwood's face appeared to announce that my wishes were used up and to thank me for my patronage. It's a good thing I don't have a fourth wish; otherwise Elwood would find out what they used anvils and steamrollers for in these old cartoons.